Who the F*ck Is Cleopatra?

Henry Belcaster
Henry Belcaster
3 min read

Good morning Queen!

Different kind of queen.

I’m talking about that sexy sphinx Cleopatra, the former Queen of Egypt.


Well, sexy in theory.

Her looks don’t really matter because I have no idea who she is.

But you always hear:

Cleopatra thissss,’

‘Cleopatra thatttt’

‘Cleopatra Cleopatra Cleopatra’

Who the f*ck is Cleopatra?

Take us to 51 B.C., Alexandria Egypt.

Ptolemy, the King of Egypt, dies at the throne.

And luckily the Egyptians had a sick hereditary monarchy going on.

So instantly Ptolemy’s son and daughter become King and Queen of Egypt.

The only problem?

They literally have to get married.

Sorry guys, Ptolemaic tradition of sibling marriage. I didn’t make the rules.

To make matters worse, they didn’t even like each.

At all.

So Ptolemy threatens to run Cleopatra out of Egypt.

Ya, Cleo fled to Syria because Ptolemy got help from Pompey’s Roman army.

And once there, she ~conveniently~ falls in love with the guy who wants to overthrow the Roman army: Julius Caesar

So Caesar clomps on over to Egypt.

And in an epic battle (Caesar’s 40,000 troops to Ptolemy’s 200,000 troops), Caesar defeats Cleopatra’s brother Ptolemy XIII.

Cleopatra is Queen of Egypt again!

Julius Caesar gets assassinated…

Cleopatra “falls in love” with the next Roman leader – Mark Antony:

Julius Caesar’s son shows up to take Egypt back:

Cleopatra and Mark Antony lose hold of the country.

Andddd commit suicide by snakebite.

So, uhh…

Now you know!

Stay Cute,
Henry & Dylan 🌈

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