🦧 How Humans Lost Our Fur

Dylan Jardon
Dylan Jardon
3 min read

Hey you naked chimp,

You ever look at an actual chimp?

I mean really look at it?

See the difference?

Chimps are COVERED IN FUR – but why are humans naked?

Well let’s go back in time...like really far back…like 400 million years ago back.

We got this jacked, horny fish:

He crawls out the damn water.

And for 200 million years his stud offspring keep crawling. And eventually their scales evolve into hair.

(Don’t ask me how – tbh evolution is so wild, I get why religious fundamentalists think we're nuts.)

But whatever, we end up with this…

A Chinese squirrel thing:

It’s the first mammal.

Now hair is sick because it’s like sunblock, armor, and a blanket wrapped in one. Meaning mammals can stay safe during the day and warm at night.

But that’s a problem for us mammals in the African savanna.

See let’s look at this early hominid – a half ape, half human called Lucy.

Shit my bad, Lucy. Alive she actually looked like this…

But around then, we started hanging down here…

Because now we could do this…

With these…

Which makes us want to go after these…

But there’s a problem….

Or actually more like 3…

So after a few minutes of chasing, you end up like this…


Because you overheat.


Because to run, you move your body. To move your body, you contract your muscles. To contract your muscles, you break down ATP. To break down ATP, you release HEAT.

But if you release too much heat, your brain sets off a fire alarm.

Which activates your sweat sprinklers – especially on your hands, head, and feet – because sweat cools you down.


Damn, you figure it out. I’m not Google. I’m a free f*cking email.


It’s because sweat trickles onto your hot skin. But hot just means things jiggling fast. So your fast jiggling skin molecules slam into the water molecules, sending them flying into the air – they evaporate.

Now, you’re just left with slower molecules – aka you cool down.

Which is all fine & dandy if you can sweat…but hair keeps your sweat TRAPPED.

So after 2 minutes you’re back here…

Oh shit.

See less hairy chimp-humans hunt better – which means they survive, bang, and pass on their less hairy genes better too.

So over millions of years humans evolve to have 10x the sweat glands as chimps and much finer hair – though we still have the same number of hairs as chimps.

But what about our hair here?

  1. Head
  2. Armpit
  3. Crotch

Well, that hair is still useful.

Head hair is a good sunhat & helmet.

And armpit hair and pubes reduce friction when running…and fuggin 😉

Go evolution 🚀

Crush Ass,
Dylan & Henry 🌈

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P.P.S Click below to watch the vid 👇


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